Friday, October 7, 2011

From The Neck Up..From The Navel Down

By Dashawn Washington
One Tuesday afternoon I'm sitting in my car, seat let all the way back eating a turkey sandwich, nodding my head to some Smoky Robinson, I'm just "Crusin" then all of a sudden the phone rings, its a really good friend of mine he calls from time to time on my lunch break to chop it up sometimes about nothing sometimes about something. Today's topic of discussion hmmmm Lets see... Gotta get a job, gotta do better with my life, oh and I saw so and so she was looking good I wanna knock dat off yada yada yada. Except for this day its gon be different. Today I'm bout to challenge that $h!+ he talkin, today I'm bout to put him up on why that $h!+ he talkin can destroy not only him but our entire culture...

    Couple weeks prior to that Shan Rhodes sent me a link that changed my day... Well I would say my life but I don't wanna sound to dramatic (smiling lightly) never the less it brought great observations to my attention. In fact it caused me to pay closer attention to way I talked to people and the things I present as a person more intensely than I ever had before. Now before I tell you what the link was about Let me ask you this. How important is it to you that you know the person you sleep with?

    I'm not talking about you know her/his first or last name, you know where his/her mamma lives, and they work at that new Big Lots over there on Campbelton Rd. I'm talking about really KNOWING the person who we decide to have a sexual encounter and possibly creating offspring with. Now about that link, Its was Louis Farrakhan explaining to a room full of people the 3 most important sciences that the black community was never taught INTENTIONALLY and one of them was The Science Of Mating. I hear the echos like science of mating ??? Yes the science of mating, there is a science to nearly everything, and when I heard this speech I began to play close attention to my conversations and interactions with people, wanna hear what I observed? Every conversation that I had with an African American male that lasted over 30min led to the expressed desire of what I consider to be an empty sexual encounter with the exception of 2 dudes both hederal sexual. (and I say that because in our community if you ain't talkin bout P***y then you must be gay) I also observed that if the contrary was expressed or if the motivation for lust is questioned there is really no logical response of substance that these loose and empty desires can stand on. Think about it, what do we do when a nice looking woman walks by? Ok all together fellas,(in unison) We Look at her ass, and even though she hasn't spoken one word we'll even go as far as to say "I'll hit that". This is how we mate, we mate from the navel down (Farakahn's words exactly) at that moment everything from the neck up means absolutely nothing. All we know is she's fine she gotta nice this, and some big'ol that and we gotta new mission.

    Here's where the science comes in, through out history GENERATIONS of wealth, intelligence and greatness has been created following the science of mating. Choosing a partner based on background, academic accomplishments, health and wellness, and history of wealth. Sounds crude don't it? Its not though what it is, is calculating and somehow it was never introduced to us. Hundreds of the wealthiest families in the world came from generations of success based on this science. The Chinese, Europeans, Asians, and yes also native Africans have all implemented this science and created their cultures with it as a simple way of being. In some cultures who one marries or create a spiritual union with is the most important decision they'll ever make. They mate from the neck up.

     This got me to wondering why some of the smartest, healthiest, most intelligent African American men and women end up with the opposite ends of there spectrum in comparison. Good girls liking the dope boys, good boys falling for the jump offs. I think its interesting how we never match ambition with ambition brains with brains, but there can only be one reason why this is the case. We as a people spend so much time making being smart sound uncool and making the wrong thing to do sound right it automatically sounds right to any good girl or boy for that matter. We are afraid to acknowledge the neck up, not only that we are so sexually driven and outta control we are not checking our selves from the neck up. I'm not trying to change the way anybody thinks, seriously who am I to even try I just wanna shine some light on the way we do things because it is so damaging to our progression. We are the main ones with A.I.D.S. and you can go to child support any day of the week and black cases will out number any other ethnicity any day of the week I'm willing to bet not to mention Black men are loosing their most precious resource of all  BLACK WOMEN and for what, all because we have never been able to control something as simple as a sexual encounter. Every lesson we learn about sex is a lesson taught the hard way and in to many cases to late. What a woman thinks, the way a woman is, what entertains her, what motivates her, what stimulates and moves her have to become more important than how big her ass and boobs are whether or not she's light or dark skinned and how long her hair is, and ladies before consider a sexual encounter with a man consider this first, is he a life long provider or a part time thigh divider? Where is he going? Where has he been? What are his dreams? What are his plans? and most importantly is he for real?, cause a man knows how to make it sound real good just so he can make it feel real good even faster. Hey I know at the end of the day people are going to do what they wanna do no matter what all I'm saying God gave us the right to choose so we can win not lose.

God Bless Us All.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Spiritual Health: CONTROL DRAMAS

Greetings Beautiful People...This is a bit different and interesting today.

Control Dramas are manipulations for energy either aggressively-forcing others to pay attention to them, or passively-playing on people's sympathy or curiosity to gain attention.

There are 4 types of control dramas:

  • Interrogator: steals energy from others by judging and questioning
  • Intimidator: steals energy from others by threat
  • Aloof: steals energy from others by playing coy to attract attention to themselves
  • Poor Me: steals energy from others by making people feel guilty and responsible for them.

These are so interesting because it can help you understand why you are the way that you are. Control dramas are formed in childhood. Understanding what control dramas your parents or guardian dealt with helps you to understand which dramas you deal with. To understand, you must reinterpret your childhood from a spiritual point of view. Interestingly enough, I have tried this exercise on myself, my husband (who taught me about it) and on a few of my friends and it is amazing what you actually reveal about yourselves. It helps me understand why I act the way that I act. It also helps me to understand and recognize control dramas in others, immediately. Most people do not know that they are dealing with control dramas; I know that I didn't, but it has helped me with how I deal with my husband and how I deal with my children. Since I now know that the control dramas develop in childhood, I am becoming more aware of how my actions affect their lifestyle. I have to remember, I am not just raising a child, but a spirit. To be free from these control dramas will require absolute honesty within yourself. And here is the even tougher challenge; asking a person that you respect (friend, spouse, parent, minister, etc.) to point out which control dramas they recognize within you. Doing this, you must be open to constructive criticism and honesty. If you have the slightest inkling that you may react defensively, then you may not be ready to hear truth.

  • Interrogator: sets up dramas of asking questions and probing into another person's world with the specific purpose of finding something wrong. Once they do, they criticize this aspect of the other's life. If this strategy succeeds, the person being criticized is pulled into the drama. They find themselves becoming self conscious around the interrogator and paying attention to what the interrogator is doing and thinking about, so as not to do something wrong the interrogator would notice. Interrogators pull you off of your path and drain your energy, because you judge yourself by what they might be thinking. They slowly undermine to get energy from you. Interrogators create aloof children. Aloof parents create interrogator children. When someone continually asks you questions only to find something wrong with your answers, you must get vague and distant, to try to say things that will get their attention, but not reveal enough to get them to criticize.

  • Intimidator: someone who threatens you verbally or physically. You are forced, for fear of something bad happening to you, to pay attention to them and so to give them energy.This is the most aggressive kind of energy. They tend to demean, degrade in hopes of gaining energy from you and if that doesn't work, they use physical violence. Intimidators tend to create Poor Me children, or another Intimidator. Ask, how do your children respond when you speak to them? Do they flinch as if in fear of you? Do they constantly whine or try to seek sympathy from you and others? How did you react when your parents approached you? Were they aggressive towards you, creating fear? If someone is draining your energy by threatening you with physical, mental or emotional violence, being aloof doesn't work; you can't get them to give you energy by playing coy; you are forced to be more passive, and guilt trip them about the harm that they are doing to you, therefore creating a Poor Me. If that doesn't work, then, as a child you endure until you are big enough to explode against the violence and fight aggression with aggression. The symbiotic relationship is that intimidators tend to befriend Poor Me's and Poor Me's befriend Intimidators.

  • Aloof: someone who in order to get energy, withdraw and look mysterious and secretive. You hope that someone will be pulled into this drama and try to figure out what's going on with you. When someone does, you remain vague, forcing them to struggle, dig and try to discern your true feelings. The longer you can keep them interested and mystified, the more energy you receive. Aloof parents tend to create interrogator children. If you were a child and your parents either ignored you or were not there, playing aloof would not get their attention. You would have to resort to probing and prying and finally finding something wrong in these aloof people in order to force their attention.

  • Poor Me: someone who tells you all of the horrible things that are already happening to them, implying perhaps that you are responsible, and that, if you refuse to help, these horrible things are going to continue to happen. Someone who makes you feel guilty when you are in their presence, even though you know there is no reason to feel this way.Everything they say or do puts you in a place where you have to defend against the idea that you're not doing enough for them. A Poor Me, will reveal all of their mishaps, sometimes even to strangers, in order to gain energy. This is the most passive of all of the control dramas. They will even sometimes resort to using their looks, bodies, etc to gain the attention and sympathy from others. They are usually attracted to those who they can continuously cause to feel sympathy from; or the extreme being attracted to those who are Intimidators, who they will allow to either verbally, physically, or mentally abuse them in order to evoke the reaction of sympathy from their mistreatment. Their situation is always someone else's fault and never from choices or decisions that they made themselves.

Freedom comes when we seek wisdom from God and ask Him to reveal to us, which control dramas we may struggle from. I know that it's not always easy to hear the truth, and you may think that none of these apply to you until you ask someone you respect to reveal if you fall in any of these categories. I know I speak of myself first in saying that it was hard hearing which control dramas that I struggled with, but I am grateful that I have people that love me and can speak the truth to me without any motive or malicious intent. I am now on my path to free myself of any control dramas. I pray that you do the same. Take the challenge, pray, ask God to reveal them to you. I know that we can sometimes think we are perfect and free from negative blemish until an accountability partner reveals them to you. You will actually be amazed that when you meet people or the people that you already know, you will be able to see which control dramas they struggle with just from being around them for a few minutes or so, even when they do not.

Happy Spiritual Health

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Marriage: The Power of Covenants

Greetings, Beautiful Families..I pray all is well with everyone.

Deuteronomy 7:9 'Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; HE is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.

Now, in this post, we are going to discuss the difference between Covenant and Contract. A covenant lays the blueprint of healthy marriages. It is meant to be everlasting, unlike a 'contract' which is based on feelings of self and is usually based on conditions. We will touch on this again in a moment. First, let's touch on just what a covenant is.

Just What Is A Covenant?
  • A covenant Denotes Much More than an ordinary commitment, pledge, or agreement between people.
  • Much more solemn and serious agreement, intended to be binding and unbreakable.
  • An established promise to uniquely bind husband and wife together as one under the headship of Jesus.
  • Our marriage covenant should move us to go to any lengths necessary to love, honor and cherish our spouse for life.
  • Covenant is a term that describes God's unique relationship with HIS creation and carries with it the guarantee of all the benefits and blessings of that relationship.
  • Covenant is how HE chose to demonstrate HIS love and HIS desire to fellowship with HIS creation.
  • Marriage is a covenant and it helps us to understand what God has done, is doing, and will do for us. It is a relationship between each individual and God
  • A covenant is unconditional and unlike a contract does not have an expiration date nor back up plan.
  • A covenant is more about character than convenience, more about giving than receiving.
  • Each individual must be 100% committed to fulfill the promises made when entering the covenant, regardless of how feelings may change or what the other person may do (save physical abuse or unrepentant adultery)

So, What's The Difference Between A Covenant and A Contract

  • Limited Liability (I Do..Until I'm not happy)
  • Conditional in nature (50/50)
  • Selfish (What's In It For Me?)
  • Convenience Based (In Good Times)
  • Specified Period of Time (While It Lasts)
  • Nobody Leaves until terms are met

  • Unlimited Responsibility (No matter what..)
  • Unconditional In Nature (100/100)
  • Selfless (What Can I Do For You?)
  • Commitment Based (At All Times)
  • Forever (Regardless of what comes)
  • Nobody Leaves - Period (Forever..)
Now, here's a little quiz, based on differences above, on a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your ideas of marriage?  Place a small check mark by each that describes your commitment.

 Now, here is the 2nd small quiz, this quiz will help you to take an honest assessment of how you consciously or unconsciously view or have viewed Marriage.

The Quiz:
  • How many couples from the family you grew up in are in their first marriage (over 5 years)? ____
  • How many couples from the family you grew up in divorced? _____
  • Are your parents still married? ______
  • How many of your brothers and sisters have divorced? ______
  • How many couples do you know have divorced more than once? ______
  • How many couples do you know that have cohabited more than once? ____
  • How many close friends do you know have been divorced? _____
My Quiz Answers:
  • 4
  • 4
  • No
  • 1
  • 3
  • 16
  • 2
It took a while for me to understand or admit that these situations influenced my ideal of marriage. At one point, I thought marriage was a joke. I thought it was, 'not for me'. I had the same mentality that I had during my dating phase, 'well if it doesn't work, I'll just go on to the next one, if that doesn't work, I'll just go on to the next one'..and so on and so fourth. I viewed marriage as unimportant because I wasn't shown that it is a spiritual bond that was not meant to be broken. Simply put, I didn't understand that the world and those people didn't have all of the answers about how to do relationships successfully; only God does and He wants to teach us His ways. So, now that I am in a marriage covenant, I understand my level of accountability that I have in influencing those who are not yet married, that this is more than a date with an expiration date. It is more that a courtship, it is a lifetime bond and it's up to us to create a positive thriving environment..have conflict resolution..put selfishness aside and individuality aside and embrace spiritual oneness. What I mean by individuality aside is that it's not all about me and what I want, it's about the best decision for my family according to what God wants.

Funny Story

Here's a funny thing..even in my poutiest moments, my husband says in a calm voice 'when you are finished acting like our 2 year old, come on downstairs and talk, because you know divorce is not an option. You ain't going nowhere and I'm not going nowhere..' I can't help but laugh..Sometimes it's that laugh that is the peace offering that begins the healthy conflict resolution. Divorce is not an option is like our flirty joke of the day, lol...try saying it, it feels great.

 Bottom Line..

 Bottom Line is that how my husband and I work our covenant is that we wrote our covenants to each other, printed them out and posted them on our fridge as reminders of the promises we made..It's like an accountability to each other and in our angriest moments, we have to put ego aside and be reminded of those promises that we made..and I have to be honest, sometimes I just don't want to hear it or see it..I just want to be mad!! But, divorce is not an option and my choice is conflict resolution.

The Power of Covenant..Love you guys

Monday, August 22, 2011

Family Roles: HUSBANDS

 Greetings, Beautiful people..we pray all is well with everyone.

How many of us as disciples can say that we truly understand the biblical roles of the family? When you think of roles for your family, how do view your husband’s role? Your wife’s role? Where did you learn about the role of the family? Before I began reading and really focusing on God’s Word, I did not fully and truly understand His Word on the role’s for the family. And as I am learning to understand it, I still backslide into 33 years of learned behavior of what I knew and learned about how to establish family.

Roles are important because it provides biblical balance needed for each spouse to function in the role God intended. Just as men and women are created differently, they also have differing roles to fulfill in the marriage relationship. God gives each of us abilities to function in those roles.

The Husband’s Role: 

Ephesians 5:23 ‘For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.’ As head, it’s the husband’s responsibility to cast the vision God has given for his family and to communicate that vision to his wife. But the real question is what does God expect of a husband? Ephesians 5:25 ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.’ The husband needs to understand the needs of his wife. For instance, most wives will say they need to be loved, cherished, and valued. God created us this way. Wives look more at the actions of their husbands, than what he says. Wives need their husbands to communicate their love by demonstration and actions she understands. Husbands hold the key to the success or failure in a marriage. When a wife sees the sacrificial love of her husband, she is motivated to love him and submit to him. The greatest of all leaders is a servant. God’s Word tells us to do nothing through selfish ambition. Jesus was a servant leader, He led by example and so are the duties of husbands. True authority comes from humility. Jesus was a selfless leader. He humbled himself and served. A husband must be firm and decisive, but also humble and unselfish. Men, when you lead your wives or prospective wives in learning the Word of God, she grows and she will also find it easy to submit to you, as she sees you submitting to Christ. God intends for the husband to provide for the needs of his family. Provision must not only be made for physical needs, but spiritual as well. Not only is the husband to make provisions for food, clothing and shelter, he also provides teaching of Godly principles.1Timothy 5:8 ‘but if anyone does not take care of his relatives, especially the members of his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.’ Husbands are to model a heart for reconciliation and restoration. This includes forgiveness and serving. Husbands are to forgive quickly when offended, and no record of wrong should be kept. This must be done whether the wife repents or not.

The Husband is to demonstrate spiritual headship in tangible ways, because the wife must be able to recognize the way a husband leads:

  • · Daily prayer with wife
  • · Daily devotion including reading scripture
  • · Communicating with his wife what the Lord has spoken to him
  • · Developing a vision for the family
  • · Teaching his wife and children the principles of scripture

Loving your wife means being sensitive to her needs. Comfort your wife when she needs comforting, not when you think she needs it. A husband should protect their family from:
  • · Criticism-particularly opposition from relatives
  • · Evil influences-How much social contact my family has and what form will it take
  • · The dangers of youthful desires-Take the lead in courtship
  • · Physical and spiritual calamity- Pray for protection for your family
  • · Harmful contacts with others outside the foundational family

Men, ask your wives or future spouses if she feels your love?

Ask if you have demonstrated sacrificial love to her? 
Ask her to provide 3-4 caring behaviors that you can do for her, that will make her feel loved and cared about 

Happy Healthy Day! We Love you guys

Sunday, August 21, 2011

You Are Accountable for Your Own Actions

Greetings, Beautiful People..we pray all is well with everyone on Love Island...
Ok,so this is really quick. I had to post this because I know, personally, that we can sometimes blame our spouse or significant other on account of how we reacted to a situation. Bottom line, on that day of judgement, we are going to be held accountable for our own individual actions..the excuse, 'well, he/she caused me to react that way' just 'ain't' gonna cut, here is something that inspired me that I wrote in regards to my husband, who can be quite patient with me, which can be a task sometime..enjoy!

From Wife To Husband: ACTIONS

Sometimes I get irritated, very impatient, emotional, and hormonal, yet, The Most High blessed me with a man who has more to offer than material items that are temporary, but what he does have is COMPASSION, ACCOUNTABILITY, HUMILITY and says that no matter how I may act, sometimes, it doesn't dictate how he responds because ultimately, he still has to answer for his own actions.

Now, let me say this..this is his response and his action, 95% of the time..there are some times where he's like enough is enough and we can go knee to knee in our, but the most important thing, always, is to calm down and communicate and keep emotions in check..that works every time.

Happy Trails